Molly Harper guest post: Jane’s wedding to-do list

With the release of Molly Harper’s Nice Girls Don’t Bite Their Neighbors (which hits stores Feb. 28), the publisher has decided to release a portion of Jane Jameson’s private wedding planner. Readers are asked not to share this information, especially with Jane’s mama.

Jane Jameson’s To-Do List before the wedding

- Establish a “password” with Iris, the wedding planner, so Mama can’t make any more changes without my approval. Tiny yellow-clad bridesmaid figurines standing sentry around the bottom layer of the cake? Really, Mama? Not cool.

- Get my own sparkly “emergency flask” of vodka like Iris’s. Without it, I wouldn’t have survived wedding dress shopping.

- Talk Mama out of the “memorial display” for Grandma Ruthie. Considering she’s haunting my house like some geriatric version of that evil little girl from The Ring, a photo collage at the reception will only encourage her.

- Block out one night each week where Gabriel and I do not allow work, friends, Jamie, ghostly relatives, living relatives, death threats, wedding planning or the general weirdness of our lives to intrude on date night.

- Remind Ophelia that a “plus one” is acceptable- a “plus twenty-three” is not.

- Hire more mountain-sized, cagefighters-turned-vampire-security-goons for the reception. While I may have hired enough to protect Gabriel from the unseen menace trying to kill him, I forgot to take my cousin Junie and the open bar into account.

- Remind Zeb that he is my “man of honor” and therefore, responsible for keeping Dick away from the getaway car.

- Ask Jolene how many members of her pack will be attending, so I know whether to double the catering order.

- Remember to order the “real” bridesmaids dresses. I’ve let the girls suffer enough, thinking I’ll make them wear copies of the “Ruffles and Dreams” from Jolene’s wedding.

- Provide DJ with a list of “forbidden” songs he is not allowed to play no matter how much my sister begs. This includes “Endless Love,” “Muskrat Love,” “Groovy Kind of Love,” and the complete works of Celine Dion.

- Ask Zeb to confirm that he hasn’t given any member of his family information about the wedding.

- Make sure Jamie gets a clip-on tie, so he doesn’t boycott the wedding entirely. Additional note to self: Get copy of “Managing Newborn Vampires at Social Events” from the shop.

- Take away Dick’s air horn.

- Remind Gabriel that elopement to Vegas is still an option.

- Get a second sparkly “emergency flask” of vodka like Iris’s. Because the first one might run out.