Jaye Wells Guest Post: Giguhl’s Holiday Hollah!

Jaye Wells’ Sabina Kane series is excellent urban fantasy focusing on our favorite supernatural: a vampire. And as much as we’ve fallen in love with Sabina in Red-Headed Stepchild and The Mage in Black, we’ve also found we have a soft spot for that demonic, mischevious sidekick of hers Giguhl.

As Vampire Book Club is all sorts of antsy for the Feb. 22, 2011, release of Green-Eyed Demon (psst! pre-order here, folks), we decided to let Giguhl take over the blog for a day. Prepare for inappropriate holiday humor — because we both know you love it.

GIGUHL’S HOLIDAY HOLLAH!

Greetings Mortals!

This year I decided to do something a little different. Instead of sending you all gifts, I decided to send you a letter. Isn’t that awesome? I mean in this digital age who actually sits down and takes the time to write a heartfelt missive? Besides, this way I can tell you what gifts to buy me.

Here’s the thing, apparently you people celebrate all sorts of crazy holidays this time of year. I asked Sabina if we celebrated Christmas and she gave me “The Look.”

“Giguhl,” she said, “I’m a vampire. You’re a demon. We don’t do Jesus. ”

“But what about this Hanukah I keep hearing about? Can we at least play spin the dreidl? I’ve been trying to get that hot new nymph at Slade’s club alone in a closet for weeks.”

Sabina blew out a martyred sigh. “You’re thinking of spin the bottle. And no, we don’t do Hanukah either. Or Kwanzaa or Ramadan.”

Adam raised his hand. “I’m a mage, so I celebrate the Winter Solstice.”

“Does that one involve gifts?” I asked.

“No.” He frowned. “But there are fertility rights.”

“Really? Do I get to bang hot magical chicks?”

Adam shook his head. “Absolutely not.”

As you can see, my friends, I am in desperate need of your help. Sabina and Adam are the two most boring-assed beings on the planet. Plus they’re far more interested in trying to pretend they don’t wan to bone the hell out of each other to consider my needs. And I have many needs.

This is where you come in. Below, you will find my Chrishannakwanstice list. I know times are tough and there’s a recession and all, but I am sorely in need of your holiday cheer. So help a demon out and get to shopping!

Giguhl’s Epic List of Holiday Needs!

• Look, I’m hairless. All over. New York winters are harsh on the twig and berries. Don’t forget to buy one with a forked tip. (Willie Warmers at Etsy)
• Sometimes, you just need to dress up your undercarriage. When crocheted willy warmers don’t fit the bill, the only choice is a curly merkin.
• Or for those fancy occasions, these colorful options offer the flexibility of being either chest hair OR a merkin. I prefer the lavender.
• Fetus Catnip Toy: Okay, so I have an addiction to catnip. I’m not ashamed. And what better to celebrate my addiction than with this charming fetus-shaped toy?
• Zubaz! Here’s the thing. Eventually, Sabina will allow me to return to my original demon form. And when she does, she’ll make me wear this raggedy pair of too-short sweatpants again. But imagine how comfortable and agile I’ll be in a pair of ZUBAZ! Our enemies will totally be so in awe of these pants they won’t know what hit them!
• Hook, Line & Sinker! Here’s something we don’t talk about enough. Sitting on the toilet is boring. If only there was an activity perfectly suited to riding the porcelain wave. No, silly, not reading. Naturally, I’m talking about FISHING!
• A Houseboat. The problem with being a minion is the lack of privacy. Being at the magepire’s beck and call 24/7 seriously puts a cramp on my ability to woo the ladies. If I had the sweet ass bachelor boat, I’d be hoof-deep in poon.

Well, my friends, that’s my humble list of basic needs. I think you’ll agree that I did you a favor by listing only the barest of necessities. Plus, I’ve been an exceptionally good demon this year. I’ve barely watched any porn and I totally helped Sabina save the world. So, you know, get shopping.

Happy holidays!

Giguhl

Ed. note: If you haven’t already, do pick up Red-Headed Stepchild and The Mage in Black. We assure you, you’ll dig Jaye Wells.